Once Upon a Dream

Mood: Not off to my best start today. I feel relatively happy though, so that is good. Physically though, I'm not doing my best.

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When I was a child, I wanted to be an archaeologist. There was nothing more appealing than the thought of hot sand, a warm sun, a tropical breeze, and uncovering vast hidden treasures. To imagine the feel as I knelt in the sand, my knees covered in the soft grains, the sound of bristles of the finest brushes scraping over the rock. Bit by bit, sand would give way to the most fascinating of wonders; fossils, pottery, skeletons, buildings, tombs, an entire frozen sitting at the tips of my fingers waiting to be unearthed. It was a discovery that called to me, the thrill of adventure, the knowledge of an ancient past riddle with secrets.

It sounds romantic, doesn't it? It's enticing, enthralling, and a siren call. If you close your eyes, perhaps you'll be able to feel the warmth of the sun, the hot wind brushing sand against your cheeks in a gentle caress. Your muscles are tired, fatigued is seeping into you, your tongue begs for even the smallest bit of water but it's rewarding. To discover something new to this world, something no one has laid eyes upon, you found.

If this calls to me so much, why am I not striving to be an archaeologist now? Why do I not have brushes in my hand, boots on my feet, a hat on my head, and why am I not trekking through ankle deep sand?

As most people grow older, they tend to lose their sense of wonder. Suddenly, a rainbow is no longer just colors in the sky, there is an actual reason for a rainbow. There is a scientific fact as to what exactly a rainbow is. Suddenly gravity exists and it is impossible to fly without a plane. Rain is no longer tears from the sky, it becomes hydrogen and oxygen. It's suddenly no longer logical to want to own your own tractor trailer because of how much fuel they take. Becoming a race car driver is no longer something attainable to most because of the break neck speeds, how hard it is to become sponsored, or how difficult it is to obtain a car. Becoming a famous sports player grows more difficult because of the sheer statistics of who succeeds at such and how rare it is to get scouted.

Now, becoming a race car driver, sports player, or owning your own tractor trailer isn't an impossible dream at all. There are people every day that accomplish those exact dreams. What makes those dreams so difficult is not the statistics, or that you need natural talent for them, or how much it costs to achieve those dreams. What makes dreams difficult is that people grow discouraged.

Let me tell you a reoccurring story:

I wanted to be an archaelogist with every fiber of my being. It was the biggest dream I had, it was the career choice I wanted, and to this day, I still feel the appeal for it. I had always loved knowledge, I love learning, I loved studying, just processing new information was something I loved and still to this day actively seek out. With my heart set, I proclaimed my career choice happy. I wanted to be in Egypt. I wanted to find tombs. I wanted to see their pottery. I wanted to press my hand against one of the pyramids. I wanted to travel through their small markets and look at herbs and trinkets. I wanted to study their Gods. I wanted to learn as much of their language as I could -both ancient and modern. I would spend hours as a young child watching documentaries on the tombs, mummification, I would pour over as many books about the wonderful place as I could get my hands on.

It was when I was about seven years old that dream was shattered. When I told my mother what I wanted to be when I grew up, the results were not pleasant. I was informed by her that it was a terrible career choice. It cost an extreme amount of money to secure dig sites, that I'd be out in the hot sun for hours on end. I'd catch diseases from opening tombs, that there would be nothing for me to discover because most of the artifacts in Egypt had already been discovered. That I would be stuck on the same dig site for 20 years at a time. That no one would take me seriously because I was a woman and in Egypt women were not respected and I would get no where in this field. That because I disliked bugs I would not be able to dig because I would be digging in the dirt and come in contact with them. To sum up the very long conversation, she told me I was not suited for this job and it was foolish to do.

Please note, all those views above are of my mother's, not my own. But at the age of seven, such a conversation can be heartbreaking. Children at that age still believe in Santa most often. It was a bit much to tell me my dream was pointless. I took my mother's words to heart and decided to settle on a new career.

My choice now was to become a veterinarian. I had always loved all manners of creatures. I was fascinated by exotic ones; snakes, frogs, lizards in all shapes and sizes. I had a love for bats, canines, felines, hamsters, ferrets, (I still have a massive dislike for all rabbits though), and so much more. I even loved horses, sheep, cows, all manner of farm animals. Since I enjoyed them so much, I thought that caring for them would be the best profession for me.

Once again, my mother discovered my new choice of career. She has an intense dislike for all animals, from cats, to dogs, to snakes, to even the smallest of creature. She always has hated animals and made it well known. When she discovered my new career choice once again I was hit with a great amount of disdain. Again I was told how this was a terrible career for me. That since I had a slightly squeamish stomach and my own blood bothered me that I would never be able to be a doctor. I would not be able to handle caring for the animals, giving them shots, or doing surgeries on them. To be a veterinarian it would require at least ten years of schooling. This career was also completely impractical for me.

I think the similar trend is starting to be noticed. For years, this was a continuing cycle, every career I would find, my mother would scorn and offer no encouragment at all. Exactly opposite, she would do all she could to discourage me from my path. The only career that suited her for me to be was a college professor of either Philosophy or English. Neither of those careers suited my interests. I wanted something fascinating, something that was similar in methods but the results were constantly changing. I didn't want to repeat the same thing day in and day out. I wanted new discovers, I wanted the change to continue learning as I worked.

To this day, yes, my current career choice is of no interest to my mother, but then her and I do not have much to say to each other. If you are curious, I am striving to become a botanist, a research whom's main focus is genetic engineering and plant breeding. But that is merely a stepping stone. My true desire is to someday own a natural medicine shop.

Looking back on those careers, are they truly so impossible to achieve? I don't think so. No doubt, every career has challenges that are needed to overcome but nothing is impossible. The true error is to give up before even starting. I was told once, "if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain."

I think yes, my mother probably wanted the best for me in her way. No parent likes to see their child struggle through difficulties, but without mistakes, we would not learn. There is only so much advice you can give before you have to step back and let someone make their own choices, for it is their life to live in the end.

Why is something considered a dream? Are dreams something unattainable? Are you also guilty of thinking, "this isn't rational to do. I can't achieve this. I am setting my goals too high. I need to find something more logical to attain. It's only a dream."

Are you settling? Are you assuming that with the best of your abilities you cannot achieve something? That your best is not good enough? That there is no point in truly striving to get what you wish of life?
There is no 'can't'. There is only the disbelief in yourself. The doubt that your all is not good enough. We are our own worse critics.

Pull that dream out of the closet, take a good hard look at it. Examine it from all angles. Perhaps take the time and read up upon that career or that dream you once had. Why was being  race car driver impossible again? Read some stories of the people who have accomplished it and why they did so. Find out who truly encouraged them, not who discouraged them. Perhaps that dream is old and forgotten. Put it back in the closet again and let it rest.

Now take this time and make a new dream, and it doesn't matter how outrageous to you it seems. If you truly want it, dream of it. Set a goal, and make it happen. Take small steps if you need to, but each step is a moment closer to achieving your dream. Perhaps you always wanted to write a book, if you wrote a page a day? How many pages would you have done in a year? Maybe a paragraph a day even. You would still have your dream finished in only a few years.

Dreams seem impossible because they seem so large. They are meant to be. If something could be achieved in a day, would it really be a dream?

I hope you enjoyed reading, as always.

Blessed Be.
-Kitsune

Dream Interpretations

Mood: LOTS of balancing and calming incense. I feel like I'm fighting off an extremely large amount of negative energy. I want to walk out of the room away from myself, but I seem to be stuck, how inconvenient.
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My topic for today was spurned on by what I experienced this morning; A nightmare. Not the most pleasant of things, but even then, I believe nightmares are learning experiences, perhaps challenges to overcome. I've often heard that nightmares are our inner demons, our fears, insecurities, and uncertainities from our subconscious coming to...haunt us? More like test us is what I believe.
I've also heard the belief that dreams are gateways to other realms, different planes of existance, perhaps even different planets. Do our dreams transport us to another time or place? Do they send us spiraling into the Weird? Maybe we are observing the lives of another? Watching millions of people in their own waking worlds, and experiencing their day to day life -no matter how odd.

Another belief is that dreams are memories from past lives. Little glimpses of what used to be before reencarnation. If that is the case, in one past life I was an evil conquering king, traveling to other planets and enslaving to my ways, able to travel through the past and foresee the future, so strong that I was able to pluck the moon from the sky and hold it within my palm before sending to back to the stars.

No matter what your beliefs are, today I'm going to be focusing on dream interpretation. Now there are countless books out there on this subject. This is a topic that there is no right or wrong answer. The best advice I received was to find a book you like and stick to it. The book I received as a gift was 1001 Dreams by Jack Altman. The book focuses on two different views: The Freudian view and The Jungian view.

In simple terms, here is each view:

The Freudian view - Established by Sigmund Freud, he believed that dreams were in a sense, wish-fulfilment. He believed that in dreams we acted out desires that were in our subconscious mind.

The Jungian view - Established by Carl Gustav Jung, he believed that most dreams shared collective similiarities, based on myth and culture to which he formed archetypes based on the figures that seemed to be reoccuring in some way, shape, or form in dreams. Such as "The Old Wise Man", "The Trickster", "The Great Mother", and so forth.

This book is exactly what it says, 1001 different symbols that are interpretated in both views. A bit of a different twist for today, I'm going to interpretate my nightmare from this morning using both views.

The nightmare was this: I was with my mate, we had moved back to the old state I lived in, to my sister's old home. My poor laptop which has been breaking for awhile finally decided it had had enough and was done for good. My mate and I were shopping for a computer which appeared to be in a shop in the house, to look into getting me a desktop computer.  I noticed it was several years advanced in the future, virtual reality now existed, and we were expected to wear these clear head gear, it sealed around the face and the image was projected in the air in front of us. These were being used so that I would be able to see a 3-D complete model of my computer and the software as it was being made, it was for ultimate customation. I recall looking at the red computer screen and choosing it. Well as my mate and the sales man began to talk I noticed something alarming, I couldn't breath. There was no air getting in through my head gear. I began to panic so I tried to speak, I could get no words out, I didn't have enough air to do so. I ripped off the mask, and everything went haywire. Everyone was demanding I put the mask back on, but suddenly I noticed I couldn't even hear them. The silence was deafening and drove my terror higher. I noticed that without my mask, even though I could not see it, the room was filled with water. It looked like air was in the room, but with each breath, I was drowning. My mate had disappeared from the dream at this point. I was blind with panic at the loss of air and the loss of hearing. There was a door that lead to an alley way. I ripped it open only to see a man running for the door. For some reason that terrified me more. I slammed the door shut and had to force him out so he could not get in. It was then that the sense of sound returned. The man hit the door with an extremely loud thud and began to scream. The scream was so intense it sounded like some sort of monster was flaying the skin from his bones. I let go of the door and turned away, racing back to the other room, I could hear the door fly open behind me and the agonized screams of the man grew louder. As the screams came upon me, I lowered my gaze to my arms. I repeated to myself 'This is a dream. This is a dream. My mate is going to call me and wake me up. This is all a dream.' I then started pinching my arms, attempting to wake myself up. I could not feel the pinches. Frantic with fear, I started scratching my nails down my arms, no effect or feeling even though I saw my nails cut myself. I finally managed to turn my head, in my dream and real life apparently, and I opened my eyes to the pillows.

Quite eventful for a dream, but it was a bit tame to some of the ones I've had. Usually I have an issue figuring out if my dreams are actually reality, they seem to blend together in most cases. I find it rare and an accomplishment that I managed to recognize this as a dream and succeed in pulling myself out of it.

I did shed a few tears over this dream, mostly from the fear, but I figure as I intrepretate it, it will purge it from me, end my fear of it, and give me a greater understanding of what is behind this dream.

The dream book I have is split up into several catagories; Our Inner Lives, The Self and Others, Activities and States of Being, Transactions, Environments, and Imaginings.

There are dozens of subcatagories but I won't list all of those. What I am going to do is pull out key symbols from my dream, put them in a list, and look up the meanings of each one. By the end I should be able to piece together a greater meaning of my dream.

All these definitions are directly out of the book, 1001 Dreams by Jack Altman.
1. My mate
2. An old home I used to live in - A symbol of the self, the house oftens more specifically reprsents the body. An abandoned house in disrepair may indicate the dreamer's neglect of physical or emotional health. At a mental level, a house all shuttered up can suggest that we are blind to what is going on in the outside world.
3. The new red computer screen -The computer may have replaced the typewriter, but the keyboard remains a Freudian symbol of female sexuality, as do the slots for disks, CD-ROMs and DVDs. Jungians focus on the screen as projection of humankind's knowledge dispatched through cyberspace.
4. Wearing a mask(head gear) -Relates to the appearance we present not only to others but also to ourselves, we often cannot remove the mask or are forced by others to keep it on. this may be a warning that we are at risking of losing all contact with our true self.
5. Drowning -suggests floundering in  the depths of the unconscious. As with dreams of pursuit, we may experience uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that we are not yet to bring to the surface. In extreme cases the feeling of being unable to get back to the surface may indicate the dreamer's fear of the onset of mental illness. At the very least the dream alerts us that some areas of our unconscious needs to be examined.
6. A doorway that shut but opens regardless of my attempt to close it - While Freud and Jung agreed that a house symbolized the body, they differed about the house's doors. For Freud, doors are dream images of a body's orifices. For Jung, doors express the dreamer's relationship to their inner and outer worlds. A door opening outwards, according to the Jungian view, suggests the dreamer's need to open up to others. Opening inward, the door could mean a wish to explore the inner self.
7. The monsterous force attacking the man -Not knowing who or what is out there the darkness is perhaps the most universal of all anixety dreams. It is experienced particularly frequently among people embarking on a course of psychoanalysis or any other therapy that will reveal hitherto unexamined areas of the self, Like conscious terror of the dark, such dreams may be rooted in anicent fears acquired when our primoridal ancestors were prey to large, nocturnal carnivores.
8. Being chased -Aspects of our personality which are repressed but demand to be dealt with.
9. Scratching self- seeing yourself as a victim of self-inflicted violence suggests guilt and self-blame, perhaps related to the death of a loved one or the break up of a relationship, which we feel -probably wrongly- may have been avoidable if only we had acted sooner. Such dream-violence may also express low self-esteem, even self-loathing, manifested in unconscious destructive urges that we should deal with before they erupt into our waking lives.
10. Blood -A symbol of life itself, but if it suddenly pours out or appears as a stain it may reprsent violent emotions or excessive self-sacrifice: are we exerting an effort, perhaps in a relationship, that is not truly appreciated? Blood draining away may represent the loss of life or consequent bereavements. appearing with a female figure, the blood may be that of menstruation and in male dreamers may point to a fear of women's physicality or even to feelings of sexual aggression.

Some of those intrepretations were really interesting to me. What I took this dream to be was nothing I expected. A few items I couldn't find, like the meaning of fear, or the loss of sensations, it seems a bit unclear what it could be, or even my mate. I will put my intrepretation with all those clues and with a twist of my own.

My mate is someone who I have always viewed as my protector, once he and I started living together most of my nightmares had vanished, so I will assume him as a protective symbol in this dream. The old home is a place where I grew up, a place I was harshly sheltered and am trying to escape from. The computer represents the fact that I have been so heavily delving into internet research, blogging, just connecting and trying to learn more about different beliefs. The mask or head gear in my dream I view as societies view of trying to get me to basically just conform to their rules and hide my true self. I see that the fact that I was able to remove the mask as my success in speaking on who I am and showing my inner beliefs. A lot of the notes in my dream are very true to my current situation, as I just recently moved to a new town, a new state, far away from my friends and family. I have been pouring a lot of my efforts into making this holiday season special for my mate's family and friends. The blood, my self-sacrifice and my efforts into pouring all my resources to consider everyone I possibly can. I'm a bit of a recluse, so I find it difficult to speak to others and open up, which protrays the doorway, fearing others will enter my inner self with their views (the monsterous force). The one thing I cannot place is the man trying to enter the door and the screaming. But a lot of this reflects on a more personal level about my fears of being in a new place, my self-esteem, and such. To me, this dream speaks very loudly to me.

I hope this interested you, if you would like, in the comments or my inbox please share a dream or nightmare you would like me to intrepretate for you I would be more than happy to. I like the chance to make something unclear or even terrifying make sense and maybe it will cause you to do a little soul searching of your own. I know I am.

It's been a pleasure as always.
-Kitsune