Once Upon a Dream

Mood: Not off to my best start today. I feel relatively happy though, so that is good. Physically though, I'm not doing my best.

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When I was a child, I wanted to be an archaeologist. There was nothing more appealing than the thought of hot sand, a warm sun, a tropical breeze, and uncovering vast hidden treasures. To imagine the feel as I knelt in the sand, my knees covered in the soft grains, the sound of bristles of the finest brushes scraping over the rock. Bit by bit, sand would give way to the most fascinating of wonders; fossils, pottery, skeletons, buildings, tombs, an entire frozen sitting at the tips of my fingers waiting to be unearthed. It was a discovery that called to me, the thrill of adventure, the knowledge of an ancient past riddle with secrets.

It sounds romantic, doesn't it? It's enticing, enthralling, and a siren call. If you close your eyes, perhaps you'll be able to feel the warmth of the sun, the hot wind brushing sand against your cheeks in a gentle caress. Your muscles are tired, fatigued is seeping into you, your tongue begs for even the smallest bit of water but it's rewarding. To discover something new to this world, something no one has laid eyes upon, you found.

If this calls to me so much, why am I not striving to be an archaeologist now? Why do I not have brushes in my hand, boots on my feet, a hat on my head, and why am I not trekking through ankle deep sand?

As most people grow older, they tend to lose their sense of wonder. Suddenly, a rainbow is no longer just colors in the sky, there is an actual reason for a rainbow. There is a scientific fact as to what exactly a rainbow is. Suddenly gravity exists and it is impossible to fly without a plane. Rain is no longer tears from the sky, it becomes hydrogen and oxygen. It's suddenly no longer logical to want to own your own tractor trailer because of how much fuel they take. Becoming a race car driver is no longer something attainable to most because of the break neck speeds, how hard it is to become sponsored, or how difficult it is to obtain a car. Becoming a famous sports player grows more difficult because of the sheer statistics of who succeeds at such and how rare it is to get scouted.

Now, becoming a race car driver, sports player, or owning your own tractor trailer isn't an impossible dream at all. There are people every day that accomplish those exact dreams. What makes those dreams so difficult is not the statistics, or that you need natural talent for them, or how much it costs to achieve those dreams. What makes dreams difficult is that people grow discouraged.

Let me tell you a reoccurring story:

I wanted to be an archaelogist with every fiber of my being. It was the biggest dream I had, it was the career choice I wanted, and to this day, I still feel the appeal for it. I had always loved knowledge, I love learning, I loved studying, just processing new information was something I loved and still to this day actively seek out. With my heart set, I proclaimed my career choice happy. I wanted to be in Egypt. I wanted to find tombs. I wanted to see their pottery. I wanted to press my hand against one of the pyramids. I wanted to travel through their small markets and look at herbs and trinkets. I wanted to study their Gods. I wanted to learn as much of their language as I could -both ancient and modern. I would spend hours as a young child watching documentaries on the tombs, mummification, I would pour over as many books about the wonderful place as I could get my hands on.

It was when I was about seven years old that dream was shattered. When I told my mother what I wanted to be when I grew up, the results were not pleasant. I was informed by her that it was a terrible career choice. It cost an extreme amount of money to secure dig sites, that I'd be out in the hot sun for hours on end. I'd catch diseases from opening tombs, that there would be nothing for me to discover because most of the artifacts in Egypt had already been discovered. That I would be stuck on the same dig site for 20 years at a time. That no one would take me seriously because I was a woman and in Egypt women were not respected and I would get no where in this field. That because I disliked bugs I would not be able to dig because I would be digging in the dirt and come in contact with them. To sum up the very long conversation, she told me I was not suited for this job and it was foolish to do.

Please note, all those views above are of my mother's, not my own. But at the age of seven, such a conversation can be heartbreaking. Children at that age still believe in Santa most often. It was a bit much to tell me my dream was pointless. I took my mother's words to heart and decided to settle on a new career.

My choice now was to become a veterinarian. I had always loved all manners of creatures. I was fascinated by exotic ones; snakes, frogs, lizards in all shapes and sizes. I had a love for bats, canines, felines, hamsters, ferrets, (I still have a massive dislike for all rabbits though), and so much more. I even loved horses, sheep, cows, all manner of farm animals. Since I enjoyed them so much, I thought that caring for them would be the best profession for me.

Once again, my mother discovered my new choice of career. She has an intense dislike for all animals, from cats, to dogs, to snakes, to even the smallest of creature. She always has hated animals and made it well known. When she discovered my new career choice once again I was hit with a great amount of disdain. Again I was told how this was a terrible career for me. That since I had a slightly squeamish stomach and my own blood bothered me that I would never be able to be a doctor. I would not be able to handle caring for the animals, giving them shots, or doing surgeries on them. To be a veterinarian it would require at least ten years of schooling. This career was also completely impractical for me.

I think the similar trend is starting to be noticed. For years, this was a continuing cycle, every career I would find, my mother would scorn and offer no encouragment at all. Exactly opposite, she would do all she could to discourage me from my path. The only career that suited her for me to be was a college professor of either Philosophy or English. Neither of those careers suited my interests. I wanted something fascinating, something that was similar in methods but the results were constantly changing. I didn't want to repeat the same thing day in and day out. I wanted new discovers, I wanted the change to continue learning as I worked.

To this day, yes, my current career choice is of no interest to my mother, but then her and I do not have much to say to each other. If you are curious, I am striving to become a botanist, a research whom's main focus is genetic engineering and plant breeding. But that is merely a stepping stone. My true desire is to someday own a natural medicine shop.

Looking back on those careers, are they truly so impossible to achieve? I don't think so. No doubt, every career has challenges that are needed to overcome but nothing is impossible. The true error is to give up before even starting. I was told once, "if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain."

I think yes, my mother probably wanted the best for me in her way. No parent likes to see their child struggle through difficulties, but without mistakes, we would not learn. There is only so much advice you can give before you have to step back and let someone make their own choices, for it is their life to live in the end.

Why is something considered a dream? Are dreams something unattainable? Are you also guilty of thinking, "this isn't rational to do. I can't achieve this. I am setting my goals too high. I need to find something more logical to attain. It's only a dream."

Are you settling? Are you assuming that with the best of your abilities you cannot achieve something? That your best is not good enough? That there is no point in truly striving to get what you wish of life?
There is no 'can't'. There is only the disbelief in yourself. The doubt that your all is not good enough. We are our own worse critics.

Pull that dream out of the closet, take a good hard look at it. Examine it from all angles. Perhaps take the time and read up upon that career or that dream you once had. Why was being  race car driver impossible again? Read some stories of the people who have accomplished it and why they did so. Find out who truly encouraged them, not who discouraged them. Perhaps that dream is old and forgotten. Put it back in the closet again and let it rest.

Now take this time and make a new dream, and it doesn't matter how outrageous to you it seems. If you truly want it, dream of it. Set a goal, and make it happen. Take small steps if you need to, but each step is a moment closer to achieving your dream. Perhaps you always wanted to write a book, if you wrote a page a day? How many pages would you have done in a year? Maybe a paragraph a day even. You would still have your dream finished in only a few years.

Dreams seem impossible because they seem so large. They are meant to be. If something could be achieved in a day, would it really be a dream?

I hope you enjoyed reading, as always.

Blessed Be.
-Kitsune

Tones

Mood: Strange as it seems, I feel a burst of silly energy. The result of such is causing me to randomly pause at times, sing loudly, and gather strange stares from my dog.

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"Don't take that tone with me!!" Admit it. How many of you are guilty of having a parent, guardian, mate, or friend accuse you of having a tone when speaking to them? And be honest, how many of you would reply, "I don't have a tone."

I hated that. I was guilty of it enough when I was growing up. It seemed like I could never have a civil discussion with my mother without her bringing up my tone when addressing her.

Now that I'm a little older, I've taken the time to pause and really consider just what is 'tone'?

Tone is a certain pitch which words are presented. A musician would tell you tone is a certain octave, or note, but I am not a musician. I'm not truly seeking out the scientific meaning of tone, I'm searching on a deeper level.

It finally struck me after some careful thinking, when someone accuses you of 'taking tone' with them, it is that they are hearing a certain volume, pitch, and way you are speaking which they perceive as offensive. Tone is all about perception. I was told once that the world is 10% fact and 90% our own personal perceptions of that fact.

So when you are in an argument with your mother, am I saying that you don't have a tone with her? That you aren't being disrespectful at all? Or that your mother is truly at fault because she is perceiving you in the way she is? Absolutely not.

I think of all the times that I would be so angry with my mother because I didn't hear my own tone at all. How could I have a tone with her if I didn't hear it? That is exactly it, she was hearing the tone through her own perception of the way I was speaking.

I suppose my true question for today is not 'what is tone?' But more specifically 'why is tone such a bad thing?'

Perhaps some of you are parents yourself and you are all too familiar with the rebellious child tone. It occurred to me that the reason that tone is so offensive is the fact that it's hurtful. If you are arguing with someone and you detect they have a tone, perhaps you perceive it as rude, ungrateful, angry, unfair, etc, it's hurtful. Tone is usually why arguments grow. If your mother is telling you to do the dishes and she detects a rude tone from you, wouldn't that hurt her feelings? She is perceiving that you cannot be bothered with what she asks you to do, she could also take it as that you truly don't respect her or you are ungrateful for all she has done for you.

The problem is, most people do not put themselves in someone else's shoes. Say you are asking your mother to do something for you, say make a doctor's appointment. In return, she also answers in a impatient tone, implying that she'll 'get to it when she has time.' How will you take her tone? Perhaps you'll believe that your problem is not important enough to her, that she is far to busy to care about your health, or that perhaps she cares nothing for you?

Ah, now are you seeing both sides of things? I am a very sensitive person as is the person I am mated to. It has become very apparent to me how by accident, we can hurt someone with nothing more than a tone. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me? Sometimes a simple word delivered a sharp way can render someone silent. A slap may sting, but it is the words that follow the slap that continue to repeat after, for days, perhaps even years. I am quite sure that all of you can think of something that was said to you, harshly or angrily, that you have never forgotten.

By using a tone you are consciously, or perhaps unconsciously inflicting pain on someone else. One sentence said wrong can destroy dreams, crush hopes, and cause a hurt that may not be visible. It is said that anger is never a primary emotion, that it is secondary. Anger is a mask for many emotions: disappointment, hurt, sadness, pain, and so much more. The reason most arguments spiral out of control is because of tone. Which is what in truth? The act of consciously or unconsciously hurting someone through the way you dictate your words. If someone is hurt, who truly is at fault? Both sides. It takes two to make an argument. Two people, with two out of control tones, both unconsciously hurting each other.

So the next time someone accuses you of having 'tone' truly stop and consider what they have said to you. In some way, your pitch, the way you said the words you were speaking has hurt them, not for a fact that words you said did. And in such situations, I would apologize, and try to continue at a more reasonable tone to them, not a tone I find suitable. Control. I believe everyone can control their emotions, tones, and their ability to hurt someone. I believe you can.

I hope you take this to heart, perhaps this could help in your next disagreement.

I hope you enjoyed reading, as always.

Blessed Be.
-Kitsune.

Sensations

Mood: A bit tired and in pain today, trying to regulate my body into agreeing with me and feel better with a lot of positive energy today. I am truly trying to make the best of today with a good foot forward.
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I thought about discussing this topic last night, it is strange that I am feeling so keenly, but it just encourages me more that this is what I should discuss today. Let's discuss sensation, the six senses.

1. Sight.
2. Smell.
3. Touch.
4. Taste.
5. Hearing.
6. Spirit.

Most people only believe there are five senses, those are the ones medically listed as senses. Usually when one sense is taken away, say a little girl is born blind, those other senses will increase in sensitivity. This little girl will become better at hearing, she'll be able to smell better, she'll be able to hear more keenly, taste greater. It seems the lack of sensation heightens the rest.

I refer to six senses, I include spirit or the spiritual sense as something all humans and even animals are born with. The reason I say animals is because I have a dog of my own, I've noticed he is more aware of mood shifts, his own energy is influenced by my own, and how he behaves. It is said that animals or familiars have the ability to see spirits and beings from other planes and they react to them. It's been shown often enough in horror movies about cats or dogs going haywire around dark spirits or staring at them. In my belief there is always a grain of truth even in the most fabricated of tales.

My curiosity is stemmed in how the body reacts to sensations. Such as when the body is beginning to freeze, suddenly it registers the sensation as growing comfortably warm. Or how you can stub your toe and gain this strange sensation in your teeth. Or how you can scrape nail and feel it in your mouth. Or even for example, someone not used to sexual pleasure and how the body reacts to it almost in a sharp stinging sensation even, not attempting to be crude at all. There are even cases in which people are born without the ability to feel pain at all. Such cases are extremely dangerous, for a person could break a bone, cut themselves, and never know of such an injury.

Also there have been cases where someone is born in the conditon of Helen Keller, blind, deaf, and mute. Most of those cases eventually die, their brain activity ceases because of the lack of sensations and recognizes the person as dead.

Or they're the cases of shock, where the trauma of an event is so high, or perhaps adrenline is so high that a person is unable to feel the extent of their injuries, such can occur from a car accident, a fall, the list goes on and on. In most cases of shock, a person usually shakes and feels cold, but they don't seem to feel extremely bad injuries. There are some cases where people end up being horribly injured and not know it till later, usually this occurs in cases of impalement or gun wounds.

I've focused mainly on physical sensations, now I would like to bring up spiritual sensations. This happens to be an area I do not have much personal experience in but it intrigues me greatly. In Shamanic practices, usually a medicine man or woman of a tribe, they would pursue astral journies to gain wisdom. They would accomplish this process by overwhelming the senses. They would do this by chanting, drumming, burning herbs or incense, fasting, or perhaps other extreme methods I have not heard of. I haven't really heard any cases of them using extreme pain to gain enlightenment, but I have heard cases of painful rituals used to progress into adulthood. In some practices, I have heard of cases of people being suspended from hooks or impaled in which they gain a state of nirvana and serenity. I do not know if Shamans also experimented with this practice, that will require more research, but I will keep you informed on my journey to discovery.

Returning to Shamans, it was said that by overwhelming the senses by whatever method, they would be able to project their spirits from their bodies into other planes. I had heard rumor that this was very dangerous, as it left the body unprotected to be possessed by other spirits and sever the ability to return to the body. I have heard otherwise that it was impossible to do so, as even though projecting into other planes, the spirit or soul was still connected to the host body by a thin strand that prevented this.

The only experience I have had with an attempt of astral project still baffles me to this day. I'll share the story with you now.

It was during a time in my life where I was full of unrest, very chaotic in thought, stressed beyond belief, but I was extreme spiritual at the time. Even though I did not know the right path, I was praying constantly and seeking inner peace even then. This was during a day when I was extremely frustrated, I felt at a complete loss and I was unable to truthly understand anything. I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes, fully closed, no intent to sleep at all. I merely allowed myself to drift. This was the only time I can say I ever fully succeeded at complete mediation. As I laid there, I let the room fade from me, I let the sensation of my body fade from me. It got to the point where I could no longer even feel the bed underneath me, nor even move my fingers or legs to even feel them. I kept urging myself to wander, to escape my confinement and allow myself to go. I was allowing myself to drift further and further away, visualizing my spirit escaping my body and heading towards the forest, it was only when I touched the wall of my room, attempting to leave my home that my body jerked with alarm. My eyes opened and I was staring at the ceiling, and promptly fell about 2 feet downwards onto my bed. This absolutely terrified me, had I been standing up? My heart was pounding and I could find no explaination.

 To this day I still have no idea what really happened, I can only assume I was starting the path to a successful astral projection. If anyone can come up with an explaination as to what happened, I would be more than happy to hear it. Since that day, I became fascinated with the fact that the shamans were stated to have a safe method to achieve astral projection, no matter how scary it seemed to me, it also intrigued me because of this experience.

The senses are part of our daily lives, but it is amazing how we tend to forget them. For just a moment, imagine not being able to see, closing your eyes to the room and not allowed to even peek...ever. To lose the sensation of color, the sight of trees, never again to see the face of your loved one. Perhaps to lose all hearing, to never again be able to hear a spoken word, to never hear the wind, the rain, to never hear music ever again...Imagine for a  moment never being able to speak again. To never tell someone 'good morning!' To tell the people you cherish and care for the most that you love them. To never be able to ask for a glass of water, to never offer a word of comfort when needed. Visualize not having hands, not being able to touch the faces of your love ones, to never feel the dirt beneath your fingers, to not grasp a glass, to not be able to turn the pages of a book. Imagine never smelling the scent of roses, the smell of freshly cooked bread, the warming scent of your mother, father, a lover. Now...imagine never having the sense of spirit. To feel nothing when speaking to the Goddess. To never feel a twinge of intuition, to never perhaps feel emotions swirling in a room. It is little reminders like that, that remind me of how blessed we all truly are. Perhaps you know someone or you yourself even lack a sensation. Cherish what you have.

When I was three years old, the doctors informed my mother that since the nerve in the back of my eyes were shaped a certain way it was almost a sure fact that I would go blind. Every six months since THREE I would have to see a doctor, they would put drops in my eyes, and examine them. It slowly became a routine thing. As the years went on, my vision steadily grew worse. It finally came to the point at sixteen that if I knocked my glasses of my nightstand I would have to go get someone to help me find them on the floor. Even if my glasses were bright red frames, it was impossible to see them on my blue floor. It was at that year the doctors finally told me I had nothing more to fear. They had determined it was merely the shape of the nerve in my eyes, a uniqueness, and that I would not go blind. For years it had been a constant worry and it was a little reminder to cherish the sight I have for it could be so much worse. I see people who grow upset when their perfect vision alters slightly and they begin to need glasses. I can understand that it can be upsetting, but truly, I hope you cherish the sight you still possess, for there is also a risk some may lose it, and some are even born without it.

Currently to this day I can still see, I will lose my glasses if I drop them, so I cherish them. I value the fact that I can read the words I am writing, I adore seeing the faces of my loved ones, and I cherish the fact that I can see the sights of the world we live in. As it is though, I do lack one sensation almost completely. That would be the sense of smell. I can barely smell at all. I can almost smell no flowers, my incense has to be extremely strong to the point that my mate even complains sometimes. I cannot smell food cooking. The few scents I can smell and find pleasant are usually the smells that are overpowering and most hate -the smell of skunks and manure. But I cherish those scents because exactly that, they are the ONLY smells I can truly smell without straining really hard or sticking my nose directly in something.

So as strange as it is, I want you to cherish even the smallest of sensation. You never know that what you may be able to experience someone can only dream of feeling. Take the day and truly FEEL.

Not matter what your beliefs, I hope you enjoyed reading as always.

Blessed be.
-Kitsune

Tis the Season, to not forget.

Tis the season! It's a term of phrase I hear all the time during the winter months, but tis the seasons to be what? Jolly? Filled with merriment? To be giving? I find that as the days wind down towards any holiday; Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Yule, etc. That people slowly seem to stop being jolly...stop being so merry...stop being at all...cheerful. Why is this the case?
Stress.

As simple as that. There is usually so much to be accomplished during this season. Shopping, holiday cards, baking, cooking, wrapping gifts, visiting friends and family, decorating, and keeping a watchful eye on how much you are hurting with finances. As people get so consumed with how BUSY they will be, with how MUCH they have to do, and how LITTLE time they have to do it, they tend to forget what this season is truly about.

I'll admit, the season can get overwhelming, I've even shed a tear or two in frustration but then it hit me and I stepped back. Stress has ruined every holiday that I can ever remember, from birthdays, to Halloween, or Christmas (when I would spend it with my family), even Thanksgiving, on a day then we are supposed to be thankful and appreciate what we had, all I would ever see was foul attitudes, ungratefulness, and snapping voices. Days that were meant to enrich our family and friends were turned into terrible memories of fights and unhappiness. I realized that by stressing myself out, there was a risk of repeating history.

I took it upon myself to encourage not only myself, my mate, and my friends, but all of you to try to remember not to stress. The holidays are hectic, but don't forget what they truly are. No matter what faith, what you celebrate, remember, a celebration is a happy time. A time to make new memories. Not to say, I got the best gift, we had the most prepared feast, opened the most presents, but instead to be able to say....I got nothing, but I had the best MEMORY of all.

Don't forget to give, don't forget to love, don't forget to be thankful, and don't forget to relax and have a good time. There are things more important than worrying if you are ten minutes late to dinner, bought the wrong present, or even weren't able to give someone a present. Give them more than something made, store bought, or last minute.

Give them yourself, in your best spirit.

Happy Holidays, and Blessed Be.
-Kitsune