Wednesday, February 22, 2012

It's a Work Out!!!

It's been awhile since I've written anything, unfortunately when I get stressed out or depressed I end up developing the worst sort of writer's block. Once upon a time it used to be different, at one time I desperately clung to the written word and anything artistic to act as a portal to a different world, as the years go on I noticed that fact as flipped completely. I only feel my muse when I am happy or content.
Since I moved here a few months ago, I wound up only a mere 100 pounds do to stress and situational starvation(homeless at times). I've been in my new home for several months, the winter months keeping me inside more than I would like. In our time of relaxing and celebrating being together, my mate and I both admit that we have fallen far from our old routines and ways. I gained enough weight that I am probably now roughly 120-140 lbs. We don't have a scale so I cannot be certain. My mate has also gained a bit of his old gut back from being pure flat.

I know that there are many of you our there probably going 'oh, you should be glad you are that weight and not more.' Or even some of you are most likely like 'I wish I could be that weight.' I understand, but I have been tiny all my life. I grew up in a family that was all extremely over weight, because of that, my family members would mock ME for being small. I was 'anorexic', 'bulimic', I was 'scared of being fat', 'if you were overweight you would die.' The list went on and on. My family regularly mocked me for going to the weight room after school in high school or even working out at home. I wound up working out hidden in the confines of my bedroom with my door locked.

I wasn't honestly afraid of being heavy or looked down at them at all. I genuinely enjoyed the sensation of working out. I loved the feeling after finishing a punishing workout, I enjoyed feeling my muscles burn, the shortness of breath, I enjoyed watching my muscles stretch and flex, and I enjoyed the results I saw from it. I was never one for junk food, I dislike chips, I'm lactose intolerant so I stray far from ice cream, chocolates, etc. Overly sweet things I dislike, I tend to enjoy more sour things. I've always been very nature oriented and love healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. While my brother loved making sandwiches, I tended not to care much for breads. Growing up, I had a very healthy diet and it was simply natural to me because it was what I liked. While I was a high school-er I never got over the weight of 125, and it was mainly muscle. At one time I had a six pack even. I wasn't athletic, I hate sports, but I enjoy weight lifting.

I've never had a truly good self-esteem, I always see my flaws before my positive traits. I'm my own worst critic. For me to change from being the small size I've always known me to be to something else that ISN'T muscle weight gain, is hard for me to take. It wasn't helping that since being here 3 of my pants have ripped on me. True, they were probably 8 years old, but it still hurt my ego. It just made me feel like I was becoming like my family. I didn't used to have a problem, but I think now because of what I grew up with I do. I enjoy the size I am, and if I am not this size, I loath myself because of them.
I'm not here for pity. I've just needed to pour our my frustrations. I'm not one to see a problem and let it go. I realize I have gotten myself into this, I'm the only one I can get out of this. I watch what I eat, am careful to stop snacking on crackers and things throughout the day and striving to keep to only three meals. I'm also working out devotedly every single day. It won't be enough to keep me ready to run a marathon, but it will be enough to keep me healthy and toned up, and maybe let me get back into my old jeans!

Please give me your positive energy and prayers. Maybe throw in an extra push to give me the motivation to keep up with it. I don't care about dropping sizes or if I am 140 or anything. I just want to be healthy, toned up, and back with a flat tummy. :) Please wish me luck!